It's for the best
by Jodym134
Summary: Umm im rubbish with at writing a summery. Its Rack though. I got the idea whilst talking to the loveerrrly Dudeybob about where the recent Rack storyline might go. So yeah...
1. What a difference a day makes

**[[Plot pixies attacked my brain whilst talking to Dudeybob last night. So here goes…Its only going to be a short fic I think. Please read and review]]**

Chapter 1

It was the twenty sixth of December. My baby wasn't due for a further three weeks. The previous day, I had married Jack. We had planned for an earlier wedding, but his physio hadn't been going well. He was now well enough though, and our wedding was rearranged. Our perfect Christmas day wedding.

Afterwards, everybody retreated to the Vic. A place of such importance to most of my family. It was different now though. Peggy wasn't behind the bar, and the moment I walked in, it just wasn't the same. Just two hours into the reception, Jack was stood reading out his speech. Tears ran down my cheeks. I stood up slowly, avoiding knocking my now huge bump on the table and walked over to my husband and kissed him softly. A huge round of applause roared throughout the pub. Jack and I looked into each others eyes, and saw nothing but sheer love for each other.

Just seconds passed before I looked into Jack's eyes once more. Jack looked confused. ''What's up babe?'' he asked in a hushed tone. I simply just lowered my eyes and looked at the floor. ''Shit…Jack…'' I whispered. I didn't know what to say or do. His eyes followed to the floor. ''My waters have broke'' I smiled at him.

I sat staring. Staring at this amazing little person who I had just brought into this world. Nineteen hours of labour. Nineteen hours of excruciating pain and using only gas an air, but it was all worth it. I'd waited so long to have a child, and now she was finally here.

She was beautiful. Even more beautiful than I could ever imagine. Her little hand immediately clasped around my fingers. At that moment in time, I wasn't sure if I could be any happier.

Jack's smile said it all. His eyes were brighter than I'd ever seen them. It hadn't changed from the moment he set eyes on out little princess. ''She's gorgeous babe. Just like her mummy'' He whispered as he gently stroked our daughters cheek, then kissed my still clammy forehead. I didn't reply. I didn't need to.

At that moment in time, I felt like I could burst with happiness at any given moment. I had my own little family now. I had been married to Jack for just one day, and now our daughter was here. I never knew it was possible for things to change so much in the space twenty four hours, but they had, and it was perfect.

I couldn't stop staring at her. At that moment in time, I never wanted to take my eyes off of her.

Millie Elise Branning. We had agreed on this name just days previous, but it suited her already.

I promised my baby girl that I would always protect her. That I would give her everything she ever need and more, including the world if it were possible.

**[[Short I know…]]**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

My daughter is now two weeks old. I should be showering her with kisses and cuddles, not wanting to put her down for one second, but I can't. Every time she cries, I freeze. It is easier when Jack is about. I just pretend I'm busy, or tired, and he will tend to her. He loves her so much. I put up my mask when he is about. I make it look like I'm happy. He's back to work now though, I don't have to pretend any longer, but I'm petrified, because I just don't know what to do.

Every body says that as soon as you clap eyes on your child, you immediately have this bond. That you feel this immense power of unconditional love. I love my daughter, of course I do, but there is no bond there. I felt more of a bond with her when I was pregnant. I felt more of a bond with my Amy, and I only got to have her for two hours and twenty three minutes when she was born.

Things had changed dramatically. I was shattered, Jack was shattered. I'd given up breast feeding after just four days. Jack had got slightly narky with me, saying that I should try harder. I had tried. I had tried so hard, but Millie wasn't getting all she needed from me. I know he hadn't meant to, but he made me feel completely shit about it. Like I was letting our daughter down.

I can hear her crying in the next room. I know she isn't hungry because she hasn't long had her bottle. I've not long changed her nappy, so it isn't that either. Most mothers would rush to their crying new born and comfort them, but I don't move from my spot on the sofa. I cannot stand the sound of her crying. I sit there, and immediately put my hands to my ears trying to block out the cries. My own tears now streaming from my eyes, and my own cries drowning out my daughters.

I know what I'm doing is wrong. I try to fight this feeling, but it always wins. It always takes over. Nothing has every beaten me before, but I have very little strength left.

I know I cannot just leave her. I'd never do anything to put her in danger, so I eventually go and check on her. I pick her up awkwardly, but her cries do not subside, neither do my own. I walk around with her, swaying softly trying to settle her, but it doesn't. I even put on some light music to try and stop her crying, she stops for a couple of seconds, but then her tears being to fall again.

I thought id know exactly what to do when my own child was upset, but clearly I don't.

I know Jack is due back shortly, but what if he is running late. I want him back now. He will calm her. I want to ring him and tell him to come back immediately, but then he would know I'm not coping. He will think I'm an unfit mother. Perhaps I am. Actually, I know I am. It's not fair on Millie. It's not fair on Jack.

I don't think I can do this much longer. I wont put her through what I put Danielle through. Danielle, My Amy, was forced out of my arms, by my own father. I remember every day what he said to me when Roxy's Amy was born. _You're little Amy got off lightly. _He was right. If I couldn't cope now, being a thirty six year old women, In a relationship, then there is no way I would have cope at just fourteen years of age.

After what felt like hours of my daughters wails, she finally fell asleep. I placed her back into her moses basket, and swiftly ran out of the bedroom, shutting the door, and going straight to the kitchen. I pulled out a bottle of vodka from the cupboard. I grabbed a glass from the counter, not caring whether it was clean or dirty. I poured out just above a shot worth, and downed it in one. It gave me the guts to do what I know I need to do to.

I shakily walked back into the living room, where there was a pen and paper sitting on the coffee table. I picked both up, and sat back onto the sofa. I began to write. The words just appearing on the paper, before I had even thought about them.

I ripped off the paper from the pad, put it in an envelope and stuffed it in my pocket, just in time as Jack crept through the door as quietly as he could.

**[[you'll probably have guessed what is going to happen lol…what do you think?]]**


	3. Chapter 3

**[[Hey guys. Really really really sorry about lack of updates. I shall try and update more often.]]**

That night, I left. I knew that leaving was for the best. The best for both Jack and out daughter. I waited until Jacks breathing got heavy. It never took him long to fall asleep. I lent over and kissed him softly on the lips, knowing this could be the last ever kiss. Jacks lips were always so soft. I carefully crawled out of bed, trying my hardest not to wake Jack, and threw on the clothes that I had laid out a few hours previous.

Tip-toeing over to my daughter, tears started to silently roll down my cheeks. This amazing baby girl was going to grow up without a mother, and I knew she would probably never forgive me. However, I did hope that maybe one day she would understand why. Leaning down in her crib, I kissed her on the forehead and whispered, ''I'm sorry.''

Leaving the bedroom, I took the note out of my pocket. I walked over to the coffee table in the living room, in the dark, and laid it down carefully. I knew I had to do this. I had to go, but I felt so guilty. I had to go, because otherwise I would screw up my daughters life, just like I did Danielle's. I turned on the small lamp in the far corner of the living room, and grabbed the small bag that I had packed earlier, from the cupboard. I slung it over my shoulder, and walked over to the door. Taking in a deep, sharp breath, I opened the door. Exhaling, a single tear escaped my already stinging eyes. I swear, in the single moment where I looked back into the flat, my heart stopped beating.

I closed the door as gently as I could, and walked as fast as my legs would take me. Where I was going, I didn't know. I just kept walking.

Jack awoke almost instantly as Millie began to cry. Turning over, he noticed that I was no longer in bed next to him. He rubbed his eyes gently, trying to remove his tiredness, as he walked over to our daughters crib.

''Oh, What's up princess?'' he spoke softly as he picked our daughter up and started to rock her gently in his arms to subside her crying. ''Is mummy getting your bottle?''

Jack walked out into the living room, still half a sleep, and turned on the main light. Making his way into the kitchen, he noticed it was all in darkness, and I wasn't there.

''Ron…Ron'' he called out several times, getting louder each time. A mix of anger and worry started to build up inside him.

Jack went back into the kitchen, turned on the light and started boiling the kettle to make his daughter a bottle. Still holding his daughter in his arms, he moved towards the other side of the kitchen to get the tin of formula powder, where he noticed there was already a bottle cooling. It was still slightly warm to touch, so he knew that wherever I had gone, I hadn't left all that long ago.

He checked the temperature on his wrist, before making his way back into the living room, and sitting on the sofa, to feed his daughter. He grabbed his mobile phone from his jacket pocket, which was laid on the sofa next to him. Pressing his last called button, he rang my mobile. It went straight to answer phone. ''Ron, Where the hell are you? It's 4am, I'm giving Millie her bottle, and you aren't here. What could you possibly doing at this time of the morning? Letting me know would have been a good idea. God Ronnie, just ring me back yeah?'' He hung up and threw his phone down on the coffee table.

That's when Jack noticed it. A small pink envelope with his name on it. He knew it was my writing, it was neat and slightly curvy. Continuing to feed our daughter, Jack fiddled with the envelope to try and open it. He took a deep breath, knowing deep down, that whatever he was about to read, it wasn't going to be good.

_Dear Jack,_

_I guess if you are reading this, then you have noticed that I am not there. Words cannot describe just how sorry I am Jack. I had to go. I had to go because I cannot be a mum to our daughter. It isn't through lack of trying. Really I have tried. She is everything I ever wanted, but I'm not good enough for her, I'm not good enough for you. I know that you will take care of Millie better than I ever could. I won't mess her life up like I did Danielle's. You have a bond with Millie that can never be broken and I know that you will bring her up to be an amazing young girl. I know that you are going to be angry with me, but this is best for both of you. Please just know that I love you both so much and I will think of you both every single day. I cannot tell you where I am going, because at this moment in time, I do not know myself. Stay safe and take care of each other._

_You'll always be my one and only. _

_Ronnie xx_

Tears started to stream down Jacks face. As if knowing that something was wrong, Millie stopped sucking on her bottle and just stared up into Jacks eyes. ''It's just you and me now kiddo'' Jack whispered, struggling as the lump in his throat got bigger by the second, kissing his daughters forehead and closing his eyes tightly.

**[[I don't particularly like this chapter, Just cannot seem to get it right. I have to update my other fic too…arrrrgh, its been ages since I updated either of these lol. Need to get back into the swing of it. Anyway…please R&R ****J]]**


	4. Chapter 4

**[[Wow, how long has it been since I last updated? I am not sure how well this is going to go, but here goes…. ****J. Oh and thank you for the reviews so far J]]**

Over the next few months, I go from one b'n'b to the next. Money is wearing thin, and my mind is becoming even more over come with guilt, with each day that passes. Everyday I am in tears thinking about Jack and Millie, and how me leaving has messed everything up so much.

I know Jack would never forgive me for running. It's all I ever seem to do when things get tough. I am so weak. Weaker than even I had imagined I was.

I sit on the corner of the bed in the latest dark, dingy, damp room, with tears streaming from my eyes. I take my phone from the bottom of my bag and turned it on for the first time in three weeks. I am so used to being bombarded with text messages, usually from Jack and Roxy asking where I am, and almost demanding I get in contact and I have been tempted to reply, but I can't. When I flick through the forty three unread messages, I notice that one of them is from Peggy.

Peggy had been more of a mother to me than my own mother. I was distraught when she left the square last year. I poured my heart out to her the day she left, I told her about the pregnancy before I had even told Jack. I begged her not to go, admitted I was scared hoping that she would stay, and yet here I was, having done the same thing. Only now, I understand why she went.

I cannot let myself read the message. I cannot have anybody changing my mind. I can't go back to the square and have everybody hate me for what I had done. I hate myself too much already.

Slowly but surely, I'm slipping further and further into this dark place. I have been keeping it at bay so far, telling myself that leaving my husband and daughter was the right thing to do. Weakness has taken over now though, and I cannot stop it.

I dig into my bag, grabbing the cold glass bottle that had been suffocated by my clothing in the hope it would protect it from smashing. A bottle of Vodka. My only companion. Before, when I was back home, every night before bed, I would have a shot of vodka, but now, now it seems I need at least half a bottle for my body to even contemplate sleep.

There is one problem though. The bottle is virtually empty. I clamber through my only possessions. Searching my purse for the only money I have left. £7.68. I honestly don't care if I cannot eat tonight, as long as I get my bottle of vodka.

I quickly pull my jacket around me and leave the b'n'b. I walk down the road, searching for a shop that sells alcohol. It isn't long before I come across a Tesco express. Briskly walking through the automatic doors, I take a deep breath as pure desperation takes over me. I make my way to the alcohol section and quickly find the selection of vodka. I cannot afford the name brand, but I couldn't care less. I grabbed the cheapest bottle I can find and dash to the checkout to pay for it.

The cashier looks me up and down, giving me a dirty look as if she can read me like a book. I know what she thinks of me. She thinks I alcohol dependant. She thinks I am just another scrounger who puts alcohol first. I guess she is right at this moment in time.

I pay for the bottle, not bothering with a carrier bag and walk out of the shop as fast as my feet will carry me. When I am outside, I simply open the bottle and take a swig out of it there and then. I don't know what I have turned into. I feel trampish.

Walking back down the road, I take my time. It's not as though I have anything to rush back for. Rain begins to fall, and I find it almost relaxing. The sound as it hit's the windscreens of standing cars in rhythm with my heart beat. Then, I start to think. Everything that had happened replays in my mind over and over again as I slowly walk back to the hovel in which I will stay for the next few nights.

I don't even realise that I have walked straight past it until I get to a road that I do not recognise. Clearly noticing that I have gone too far, I turn on my heels. That's when I notice him. A man, in washed out jeans, and a baggy blue hoody. I freeze to the spot. He is staring at me, and I suddenly feel completely petrified.

Had he been following me? Why hadn't I even noticed?

He starts to walk towards me. Still staring me right in the eye. I cannot move though. I feel my breath hitch in my throat, and I feel like I cannot breathe. An evil grin takes over his features, reminding me of a lion as it is about to pounce on it's prey. He grabs my arm tightly, digging his fingers into my fragile feeling skin. I cannot even bring myself to fight back.

In that instance, I knew what was about to happen. I knew I was in trouble. Perhaps this is what they call karma.

**[[Hmmm. What do you think? This wasn't the initial plan of this storyline, but I have not written for like ages and thought I would and this just popped into my head. It's almost 3am. Damn those pot pixies! Please R&R. Much love.]]**


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